On Saturday it was Marius’ father’s birthday. Every year they have a big party for it, and lots of people stay at their house. I think I was a little less shy than last time, but still pretty awkward. Yuki spent the entire evening playing with a little girl, it was cute. He had a sock and she would run after him, when he was with someone else she would yell “yuuuuuuki” in a sing-song voice until he returned. xD The photo above is the view from the kitchen.
I really need to start being more productive, but I am so incredibly.. pessimistic about my abilities at everything, also I have really high standards for myself. I feel like I will fail at everything I do.. Whenever I think about doing work, I think to myself “why bother? I won’t be able to do it well enough.. I’ll probably fail..”
There are some things which I choose to do anyways, like taking photos. That’s actually a horrible example though, as I take photos every day and delete about 95% of them because they are so awful..
I am also terrified of failure, so I put off doing things so I can keep the “possibility” of not failing.
This really applies to everything I do at the moment. Even dyeing my hair. I really want to lighten it, but I think to myself “why bother, I look so ugly at the moment.. my hair is so dry… maybe wait a while”. I don’t wear clothes I like for the same reason.
I haven’t drawn anything in months.. Last time I did it depressed me too much.
It sounds pretty crazy when I think about it. It’s fairly obvious it’s just a fear of failure though, will have to try and resolve it somehow.
